My story...

[greysmom]

Here's my story, mainly for Linda & AE, but also for anyone who has struggled with depression.

First, a little background, would probably be in order. I come from a family who probably should've had anti-depressants piped directly into the water supply. Even as a very young child, I was extremely prone to crying jags, severe seperation anxiety, and the inability to function comfortably in groups. Looking back, I can see that my Mom was probably clinically depressed for most of her adult life, but it was the 50s and nobody even talked about things like that.

Throughout my life, I struggled. By the time I was in my late 20s-early 30s, I was dealing with extreme mood swings which I attributed to PMS. I got some relief by taking mega doses of B-complex vitamins. However, I still had struggles.

Raymond & I moved in together in 1980, after I finished a one year LPN program & got a job. In 1982 we got Blue Dog. In 1985 we got married and completed our little family with Jake in 1986. By then I was no longer working as a nurse. We had assumed that we would have human children, but after fertility docs, and major micro-surgery(9 hours worth!) followed by some very painful treatments, we became resigned to having dogs as our children. So, we moved into R's brother's house, renting with the option to buy, in 1988.
I got a job as a nanny for two lovely little girls and had a wonderful outlet for all things maternal. Things were good.

Then, in the early 90s my nanny job ended when the girls' parents both got downsized from their Fortune 500 companies during the same year. I began having severe migraines in 1991, as well bizarre menstrual problems.
I decide to go back into nursing, and in 92, got a job as a 3-11 charge nurse in a local nursing home. I worked there for one year, before my mouth got me fired. (these people were paying a LOT of money & IMO, not getting the care they deserved AND were paying for). I had never been fired before; it devestated me. Sadness overwhelmed me. Crying jags came without warning. More & more I isolated.
As some of you know, Raymond doesn't drive, so I drive him everywhere. We were now in spring of 1993, and R's parents are living 90 miles north of us & the family is gonna get together for Easter. So, on Saturday, I drive R up to his folks, but decide to travel back home alone after I drop him off.
It was a beautiful day & a lovely drive home. The weather was warm. I was looking forward to spending the night with Jake & Blue and was thinking about attending the Easter sunrise service in the city park near our home. I was not yet a Christian, but had been seriously thinking of finding some spiritual component in my life. I went to bed that night looking forward to my plans for Easter Sunday.

When i awoke on Sunday morning, I felt overwhelmed by by life. It was beyond sadness...I came downstairs in my jammies and began to cry. I sat on my couch and sobbed. There was an oppressiveness to the feelings I had that made them seem inescapable. I continued to cry... and cry... and cry.
At some point, I remember looking up at the clock on the VCR & realizing that I had been crying for over 5 hours! I thought to myself that there was no way to stop this pain and sorrow, except to kill myself.
Just as I was deciding that death was the way out of my pain, Jake walked over to me. Now, some of you know from previous threads that Jake is my heart dog, my canine soulmate, the dog I loved more than anything or anyone. Blue & Jake both had health issues and were my primary responsibility.
I looked at the "kids" and thought how if I wasn't around, Raymond would forget to give them their meds and probably would forget to keep fresh water out for them. As much as I loved them, I looked at them and thought, "I'll kill them too".
Immediately, a voice in my head said, "WHAT????!!!!!"
I like to think that the voice screaming in my head was my guardian angel, or even my rational self, but whatever it was, it was enough to jerk me somewhat to reality. I continued to cry, but now because of the realization of how close I had come to diaster. How could I even think such a thought about my babies?

The next day, I made an appt with my PCP and related the story to him, through tears and sobbing. He started me on anti-depressants, specifically Prozac. I was resistant, but b/c I trusted him and b/c he explained to me that if I didn't fell some improvement after 4 weeks, we'd re-evaluate the situation.

I remember telling Raymond, after a few weeks on Prozac, "This must be how normal people feel all the time". Up until then, I guess the best way to describe my psyche is that I felt I was living at the bottom of a well and the side of the well periodically sloped inward. There was no escaping the well and sometimes it seemed as if the well were closing in on me.

So, I have been on anti-depressants for 15 years. There was a time when Prozac stopped working for me, and I tried different meds with varying success. Effexor worked great for me, but shot my blood pressure to dangerous levels. However, after a time, I was able to restart on Prozac. Over time, I had gottn to where I was taking 60 mg daily. I have been in therapy for about 7 years now. I am blessed with an incredible therapist who I would want as a good friend if she weren't my therapist. Through her help, and my current PCP, I wanted to try to get off Prozac.

Starting in April, I began a very s-l-o-w process of weaning off Prozac. By mid-July, I was down to 20 mg every other day. Then the bottom fell out! Through Lisa, Dr Colleen and my precious niece Jen, I decided to go back to 20 mg daily and that seems to be holding me very well. My reasons for wanting to stop Prozac were perhaps not well thought out. I wanted to have a sex drive again; I wanted to be chemical free; I believed I had the tools to deal with depression without the use of medication. That was not realistic for me at this point. And that's OK.

Through the emotional melt down I had in mid-July, I actually found out that there are several people at my church who are on Prozac and other drugs and dealing with emotional & psychological problems. I half jokingly told my friend Wende (the Pastor's wife) that all this time she thought God wanted her to be reaching out to kids & the poor when in fact, I thought it was obvious that the church's misson is to all those with mental health issues!

I hope that I haven't scared anyone off with this tale.
The most important thing I can hope for anyone to take away from this, is that there is always hope. I am grateful to "that voice" that made me stop in my tracks before I did something henious to creatures who loved me unconditionally and who taught me so much about how to love.

I don't want to further turn anyone off, but I have often looked back over that 24 hour period of my life and have thought that there was a spiritual battle happening in my living room that day for my very soul. That day was the beginning of my redemption.

[Melinda]

*huge huggers* for you greysmom!! what a brave woman you are!!! pm to follow..............

[furbabymom]

Im glad you wrote about this. I have been in a huge slump lately, the reason why I havnt been posting much. I was on Zoloft for most of my teen years and didnt find it helped at all. I have been on Effexor for about a year now, but I stopped taking it for about a month...bad idea. I started taking it again this week and am starting to feel a wee bit better. I didnt really realize how much it does for me. I have crying spells alot.
It was nice to hear Im not alone...I dont know

[greysmom]

Furbabymom, I'm sending along the biggest cyberhug you can imagine. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here. Do you have a good doctor? My best source of help has been my original PCP and the PCP I have now. The Psychiatrist was a total waste of time! She would see me for "medication adjustment" appts, for 15 at a time. She didn't know me, my situation or my life and I don't think she really cared.
Be very careful about just abruptly stopping anti-depressants without your dr's guidance, OK?

Melinda, thanks for your support. You are special to me.

[furbabymom]

Thank you for the hug!! I really dont like my family doctor, and my psychiatrist is like you said, in and out. I have been thinking about trying to get a referral to someone. ummmm what is a PCP?

[Melinda]

I propose we start up an "HPP" group, "happy pill people" those of you who have been or are on "happy pills" raise your hand.............we'll meet once a month at my house *L* I'll have coffee and chocolate chip cookies ready. *counts the hands* WOW, glad to know so many of us are in the same or similar boat.....

[Technodoll]

Greysmom, it took alot of courage to put that out there like you did... to look deep inside yourself and find the thread to all your life's events and weave them into something most of us can identify with, at some point or other of our lives. HUGE hugs and you have my respect and admiration on all levels - you are here now, alive and loved - can there be any better gift? Beanies give you big smoochies and we send our love XXX

[bigcat80]

Greysmom, Thankyou so much for sharing your story. How courageous of you to share also....I can so identify with many things in your story . Your story helps me in knowing that i am not alone, there are other wonderful people that are as "messed" up as I am.

[Prin]

It is so brave to be so open about it but at the same time, that's the only way you can ever get real help too. Everybody's messed up, and IMO, if we all wore our messes a little more openly, we'd feel a heckuva lot more normal.

more s

I haven't been here long, but I knew right away that you were one of the sweetest, most caring people on here.

[Angeleyes]

I agree that you're brave to share your story. Thank you Greysmom, it is really interesting how down people can get over nothing specific. What matters is that you pulled through like the strong woman you are, and did the right thing- you got help.

See, my sister and I are very sensitive. Comments hurt us, especially when they are from people close to us. I can brush off a stranger easily though I won't always forget it completely, but family or friends- It will always stay fresh in my mind. I pretty much know what causes it for me... but that's a thread in and of itself, lol. All I can say is thank you for sharing your experiences, and thank you for feeling that we are trustworthy enough to share with